Grief and Sleep Deprivation Make Strange Bedfellows

Ever just have one of those days? Well, it’s Tuesday and I’m having just one of those weeks.

I’ve been struggling with grief again in the last two weeks and, inevitably, when the grief surfaces, insomnia comes on stronger than usual. I usually do my best to deal with the weight of Cora’s loss by, literally, exercising my ass off until I drop into bed each night too tired to wallow in “what ifs” or “I could have spent more time with her” or “why did this happen to her, to us”, etc., but lately I seem to have come full circle. I’m back to second guessing and questioning her care at the hospital, questioning myself and wondering if I could have done anything further to prevent her getting sick and dying.

The guilt, although entirely ridiculous because I know that I did absolutely everything I possibly could to keep her healthy and thriving, can be all-consuming. My brother Mike once told me that he spends probably half of his time as a parent second guessing his actions and wondering if he’s doing the right thing by his kids. I was a mom for a whopping 30 hours and I’m still beating myself up about what I did or didn’t do while she was alive.

One of the glaring issues that I can’t resolve in my mind is that we never had the chance to give her a bath after she died, so she died still covered in all the gunk that comes along with birth. When she died, the doctor basically pulled her out of my arms to whisk her away for an autopsy (while her blood was still fresh) because they needed to know if a blood disorder had killed her. We also never had a chance to have moulds taken of her hands or her feet – something that would have been a tangible piece of her that we could have kept and cherished forever. At the time she died, I’d been awake for almost 60 hours and I’d been through an epic amount of shit, so I never thought of any of this. I was too distraught to even think beyond the fact that our beautiful miracle baby had finally been born only to die in a blink.

Now, however, 20 months after the fact, I have all the time in the world to think about these things and to let the weight of them push down on my exhausted and worn out shoulders. The rub is that I know these feelings will pass in time and I know that it is not helping me to focus on them or give my psyche shit about them, but it still doesn’t stop them from popping up time and again. The guilt and the doubt are ever-present and glaring, even though I have nothing to feel guilty about. Perhaps this is the feeling that every parent has when it comes to their children?

During these stretches of extreme sleep deprivation, I either become manic and find myself floating along on a bubble of giddiness (that doesn’t feel right, but can’t be controlled) or I become solemn, contemplative, quiet. Today, I’m a bit of both – giggling at things that aren’t really that funny or shouldn’t even make me laugh and then, in a blink, tearing up over the heavy feeling of loss in my chest. This grief wave can be quite the ride sometimes.

The worst part of not getting enough sleep is my extreme inability to concentrate for more than 10 minutes on any given thing. Flit, flit, flit from one thing to another, never landing long enough to accomplish much in the day. It’s very frustrating and I have resorted to setting a timer for 25 minutes at a time and doing everything in my power to concentrate on the task at hand for that entire 25 minutes. It’s not working. This post would normally take me anywhere from 10-15 minutes at the most and I’ve been working on it – on and off – for nearly two hours.

Perhaps, on a day like today, I should throw my list of Todos out the window and just concentrate on taking some time to just be and work out these purely blah feelings until I can sleep and think straight again.

I hope you are all having a much better day today than I am and I wish you all enough…

A happy memory of me and Juno The Wonderdog floating around at our friends, Jay and Shannon's, cabin!

The New Logo Has Arrived!

Goooooood Morning campers!

I’ve been working on updating my website for days, but it is slow going because I have, literally, thousands of new pics to choose from and I’m trying to narrow it down to about 50. My new logo, however is finished and it is exactly what I was hoping it would be!!!! Yes, that was a quadruple exclamation point.

One of my derby teammates, Miss Amanda “Rambumptious” Scott, designed the logo for me and I could not be happier with the results! If you need a logo designed, I highly recommend Ram as your new go to gal.

When she originally started fiddling around with different designs and looks, I wanted one logo for everything, but when she showed me the first few drafts, I realized that the way the logo was set up, I could have two versions that were nearly the same – one for Boudoir and one for Weddings! I gave her the ideas and she, pardon the pun, rolled with them!

Check it out! Super love!

My new logo for boudoir

My new logo for weddings

Aren’t these fannnnnnnntastical!!!!!

If you’d like to get in touch with Amanda, her email address is steves_tiger@hotmail.com. She is super talented and creative and I, again, could not be happier with her work!

Have a great day!

Sometimes People Just Think You Suck Ass Crackers

Hmmm…here’s a little something to chew on.

Before Christmas, I was contacted by a potential client about a wedding this summer. After we spoke on the phone, she decided she was going to hire me, but she only wanted coverage for a few hours, not an entire day. I have a small package for couples who want that sort of thing, but she didn’t want to pay for the extra hour that package involves, so I negotiated a custom package with her. I actually didn’t need another booking that week as I already had another wedding booked the Wednesday before her wedding date, but I made an exception, since it was only for a few hours and gave her a great price.

The entire time I was dealing with this client, my gut instinct was to just back out and recommend another photographer to her. Something just wasn’t sitting right, but I couldn’t put a finger on it, so along we went on our merry way.

All was ready and I sent the contract to her the other day, only to receive a reply from her mom informing me that “other photographers” they’d spoken to didn’t have the same policies as I do and she wasn’t comfortable with my payment options in the contract. I struggled with how to deal with this situation as I have a strict policy of dealing with the Bride and Groom only, even if their parent or someone else is paying for their wedding photography. I have learned that this is a key way to ensure all goes smoothly from other, well-established and highly successful photographers and through personal experience. In fact, when I first started, I did a wedding where the parents were paying for everything and the entire day of the shoot, the mother of the bride was following me around and dictating to me how to take photos, where to take photos, who she wanted in all of the photos, etc. The Bride was obviously uncomfortable, but I could see that she felt stuck because her parents and his parents had paid for most of the wedding expenses. At one point, I turned to the MOTB and politely pointed out that the wedding day was about her daughter and new Son In Law and what they wanted, not what she wanted. She retorted with, “Well I paid for this wedding and if they don’t like it and you don’t like it, there’s the door.” Awkward… That was just one example. I’ve had it happen a few times now.

After about the third time I experienced this – the last from a well-to-do Grandmother who basically ordered everyone around the entire day and left me feeling wrung out and drained of all of my creative energy – I changed the way I dealt with my clients.

So, being completely honest and saying it as politely as I could in my email to the Bride’s mom, I let her know that I would only deal with the Bride and Groom directly and I explained my reasoning and business policies to her. I also explained that my payment policy has been the same for years and none of my past couples have ever had a problem with it. I also suggested that if she wasn’t comfortable with it that I would be happy to recommend some other photographers to her daughter.

She replied by telling me that I was unprofessional, must be really young because I have an attitude and she let me know how much word of mouth can hurt a business. She followed it up with, “we have found a much more professional photographer and no longer require your services.”

This is why I absolutely detest dealing with people through email or Facebook. The written word can be taken in so many ways and even though I was being as polite as I possibly could and trying to explain the situation and help them find another photographer if my policies weren`t agreeable to them (even after I turned other couples away for that date because I had already verbally committed to it with this Bride), she still took offense. I was being honest, forthright and standing strong in my business model and this is what happened as a result.

I`m not upset. In fact, I`m actually relieved as my gut said no to this one anyway, but it was a very good reminder of one of the fundamental rules of running a business.

No matter how well you strive to run your business – to constantly learn and grow, to be professional, maintain integrity, give 150% to your customer service approach, etc. – there will always be people out there who will think you and your business practices are unacceptable. There will always be people who try to nickel and dime you out of much more than you are offering in hopes that they can squeeze as much out of you as possible. There will always be people who, even though you have bent over backwards for them to accommodate their requests, will still not find that good enough. They will bad mouth you, spread negativity about you, try to hurt the good reputation you spend all of your time building.

This is inevitable. It comes with doing business, so expect it, accept it and learn to just let it go or your business really will suffer. It’s nearly impossible to go through life without someone disliking you, just as it’s nearly impossible to go through business without people disliking your business practices.

If you run a business, do everything you can to focus on the positives – the excellent products or services you provide, the excellent reviews you get from your clients or customers, the milestones you reach, etc. Look at the negatives and learn from them, but don’t let them creep in and start to infect your entire business.

I have spent years building my business to the point where it is improving and thriving every year and I`ve been lucky enough to only have to deal with situations like this a few times. I wish you all the same good fortune with your businesses and hope you remember to take the bad with the good and roll with it.

Have a good day, my friends. I wish you all enough…

A Visit From My Cuz And Her Family – AKA, “Jo, we need a babysitter!”

JUST KIDDING DEB!

Last weekend, my cousin Debbie and her family came up to the Loops from Coquitlam to celebrate her friend Pamela’s 40th birthday. Greggor and I took the kids on Saturday night so Deb and Kal could enjoy their party and Greg taught the kids how to make paper throwing stars (because they are a completely safe and responsible toy for kids to make…uhm, no…) and then Josie and I painted Christmas ornaments for next year’s tree. Greg and the kids also built a snowman and an Inukshuk (which Greg can neither pronounce properly or remember the word for) and plenty of giggles and fun.

The visit seemed to be over as soon as it started and it made me, once again, realize how fast time blows by. The kids had grown so much since I’d last seen them and they only live three hours away. Every year it seems more and more difficult to find the time to whip down to the coast and visit my relatives who are scattered all over the lower mainland, but ever year I resolve to try harder to make the time to do it.  This year I have no excuses because I am shooting three weddings down there and will have to hit some of them up for a place to stay while I’m there! Ha! Even if there were no weddings to be shot down there, though, I would still need to bite the bullet and get down there more often. After all, none of us are getting any younger.

So this year I will (tongue in cheek) make more of an effort to keep up on family “stuff” before I look up from my computer screen one day and 10 years have passed.

Here are a few of my fave pics from their visit!

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G’night peeps! I wish you all enough…

Covert Aggressives Part Deux

I’m actually surprised by how many peeps have contacted me to ask when I’m writing the follow up to the blog I wrote on Covert Aggressive (CA) personalities and I have 20 minutes right now to get something up on the blog for ya’ll! If you want to learn about this subject, in depth, you can read In Sheep’s Clothing by George Simon, PhD and Who’s Pulling Your Strings by Harriet Braiker, PhD. Both are fantastic books aimed at helping others deal with the chronic manipulators in their lives.

Disclaimer: 20 minutes does not give me enough time to check and correct my grammar or spelling and I’m in a hurry, so you will just have to excuse my poor writing skills this time!

Before I get into how to recognize and deal with them, I need to say a few things first.

1. As one of my fellow derby dolls pointed out, nobody fits into just one category when we talk about personalities.  I agree with her. However, many people do exhibit a majority of personality traits in a certain area. I, for instance, have a lot of Overt Aggressive traits. I am not shy about going after what I want and I make it known that I am going after whatever it is I desire or feel strongly about. The difference between me and a CA is that I fight for what I want openly, honestly, on the surface and without any underhanded, sneaky, conniving means. Having an aggressive personality isn’t always a good thing, but it’s not necessarily a bad thing, either – especially if the aggressor fights for what they want fairly and in good conscience.
2. I believe that some people who are masters at manipulation are not necessarily bad people, even though both of the above books will claim they are. I think that a lot of the time, these people just never learned how to fight fairly for what they want and, instead – from a very young age – they realized it was easier to get whatever they wanted by working around obstacles by lying, cheating, making others feel shame for not giving them what they want, etc.  By the time they were adults, they had been using these kinds of tactics for so long that their manipulative methods were ingrained into their personalities and now they really have no idea that their behaviour is less than desirable to the rest of us. Not only do they have no idea, but even if it’s pointed out to them, they won’t recognize it and will immediately deny it. They’ll probably laugh it off and tell their buddies about it, minimizing it and most definitely accusing the person who pointed out the behaviour of being a whack job. This is to be expected and it is not my mission or intention to try to help the Covert Aggressives out there to recognize their behaviours or change them. People obviously won’t try to change a behaviour they don’t realize they exhibit. They especially won’t try to change one that they deny exhibiting.

I just want to use what I’ve learned to help others recognize the CA’s in their lives and deal with them. Essentially, I want your lives to become easier too, by eliminating some of the unnecessary stress from them.

3. CA’s often think of themselves as good, upstanding peeps and they can always find a way to justify the things they do and convince themselves (and often convince others) that their actions, words, etc. are completely acceptable – even if Joe Public thinks otherwise. So, don’t be surprised if a CA you deal with does something completely despicable, hurtful, unacceptable, etc. and then tells you that they didn’t do anything wrong. They fight to win every situation (even the simplest ones) and to one-up everyone around them and, in their minds, they are in the right by doing the things that they do.

4. Everybody has undesirable aspects of our personalities. Sometimes we lie (for an abundance of reasons), sometimes we manipulate others, sometimes we hurt others, etc. I am not perfect in any way, shape or form. I have lied before. I have used manipulation to get something I have desired. I have laid guilt trips on people. Basically, I have engaged in Covert Aggressive behaviours at one time or another in my life. Many teenagers and young adults use all sorts of covert aggressive tactics to get their way because, well, they are young and immature and haven’t figured out yet how to get things by being straightforward and honest. Most people, if they are fortunate, mature and grow with life experience and, again, if they are fortunate, shed their immature ways of dealing with people and become adept at basic, honest human relations. The difference between a person who sometimes uses manipulation – in any form – and a Covert Aggressive is that a CA uses manipulation on a regular, consistent basis.

5. I believe that one of the largest aspects of a CA personality is their penchant for projecting their own undesirable behaviours onto others – all the time. They will do anything they can to take the spotlight off their own shitty behaviour and put it onto someone else and make that other person look like a total douchebag. They are very, very good at this

6. Manipulators are excellent at reading other people and so they are attracted to people who have good, solid consciences and are upstanding kind of people. They will befriend these types of people more than any other because they are the easiest type of people to manipulate. It’s the people who question their actions the most and weigh whether they are acting properly – within acceptable societal standards – that are the easiest type of people for CA’s to take advantage of. So, if you suspect you are in some sort of relationship with a CA, ask yourself what kind of person you are. Do you feel guilty easily? Do you feel shame easily? Do you give everyone you know the benefit of the doubt? Do you look for the good in everyone? Do you believe everyone, no matter who they are or what they do, has some good in them? Etc. If you do, then you are a target. That is not necessarily a bad thing, just something to be aware of.

Okay, here are some of the red flags that you can watch out for with Covert Aggressives (all of this info comes from Ph.D George Simon’s book In Sheep’s Clothing and Who’s Pulling Your Strings by Harriet Braiker, Ph.D available from Amazon):

• Minimization: Whatever they’ve done, no matter how undesirable, is no big deal.
• Lying: They usually lie by leaving out key aspects of a situation or story, by telling half truths.
• Denial:  Who…me? They make it seem as though they couldn’t possibly be guilty of what they’re being accused of.
• Selective Inattention or Selective Attention: They ignore you if you accuse them of something by only acknowledging everything else except what you’re accusing them of.
• Rationalization: They can rationalize any undesirable behaviour but making their explanation seem just true enough that you begin to doubt your convictions and lose your footing.
• Guilt trips and Shame Tactics: CA’s are masters at making other people feel guilt or shame to get what they want. They will play to your sense of duty, your sense of obligation, etc. The more conscience you have and the more you try to be a good person and an upstanding citizen, the easier it will be for them to lay on the guilt or shame.
• Diversion, evasion and deliberate vagueness: When asked a direct question about an undesirable behaviour – such as making decisions for other people that are not theirs to make- they will immediately change the subject, direct the blame at something else or onto someone else or they will be deliberately vague with their answer. They are very good at distracting you from the question at hand to avoid any consequence for their undesirable behaviour and to, once again, deny their behaviour.
• Intimidation: If you call them on an undesirable behaviour and tell them you are going to let everyone know about it, they are very good at using subtle threat tactics to make you fear for your own reputation or job or whatever. For example, if you work with someone who is lying or cheating the company and you threaten to disclose them, they will find one instance where you seemed less than the ideal employee and bring it up, making you feel that it was a major transgression and that they’ll tell the boss about it if you tell the boss about them. This makes you feel less sure of your conviction and nien times out of ten, will make you back off.
• Playing The Victim: This involves acting like the victim of circumstance to gain sympathy, compassion, etc. to get something from someone else. Since CA’s are attracted to well-balanced people, they understand our inability to handle it if a person seems to be suffering and they play on it.
• Playing The Servant. CA’s often “cloak their self-serving agendas in the guise of service to a noble cause” as George Simon says. They pretend that they are working hard for that cause to conceal their own ambitious desires for power and dominance over others.
• Seduction: CA’s are skilled at using flattery, praise and all sorts of other positive reinforcement to get people to lower their natural defences so the CA can win their trust and loyalty.
• A combo of all of the above: Often, a CA will combine a few of the above tactics to ensure that they throw so much emotional turmoil and uncertainty at the people around them that those people will be overwhelmed and back off, all the while wondering if they are imagining things.

And now for how to deal with all of the behaviours mentioned above. Dr. Simon says that the best way to get a CA to change a behaviour (for the moment you need it changed, not long term which is pretty much impossible) is to bring attention to the behaviour at the moment it happens and insist it be changed right then and there. He says that CA’s will only change their usual tactics if someone is willing to stop them in mid-manipulation (whether that be making excuses, projecting blame, guilt-tripping, avoiding responsibility, etc).

1)      First and foremost, stop thinking that people who engage in undesirable behaviours do so because of mitigating circumstances – ie. They use the behaviours they use because they have been hurt in the past, have been fucked over, are intimidated by you, are jealous of you, etc. They use the behaviours they use because that is the easiest way for them to get what they want. Period.

2)      Learn to recognize who you’re dealing with on a regular basis. If you deal with someone who constantly needs to have their way or always seems to need to win in any given situation, someone who always tries to get the upper hand and who has a very hard time taking no for an answer, you are definitely dealing with someone who has an aggressive personality. If you regularly deal with someone who does all those things and also constantly makes excuses for hurting you (physically or mentally), lays guilt trips on you, shames you into acquiescing, rarely gives you a straight answer to a question and blows up if you challenge them, you are dealing with someone who definitely has Covert Aggressive traits.

3)      Do an internal check. A master manipulator is only as good as the person they are manipulating. Chances are if you are the kind of person who tries to be kind all the time, trusts easily, gives people the benefit of the doubt, and looks for excuses in other people’s poor behaviour, you are a prime target for manipulative people. If you know that you’re a genuinely good person who does regular conscience checks and applies the brakes before you cross the lines acceptable by society, then you should also know that you will be easy for a CA personality to play like a piano. Basically, if you’re naïve, over conscientious, have low self-esteem, think too much, are naturally submissive, etc., you’re a good target for CA’s.

4)       Expect CA’s to try to manipulate you. Once again, EXPECT TO BE MANIPULATED. And, instead of being sucked in by them, listen for what they are not saying rather than to what they are saying. Stay alert for all of the above tactics and, the moment you recognize them, label them – out loud if you have to – and respond to them, focusing on what you want or need.

Don’t go on the defensive when you figure out that they are trying to manipulate you, just state your needs and stick to your guns.

For example: Your coworker makes a completely arbitrary decision about a project you are working on with several people– one that affects everyone at your workplace – without consulting anyone about it . She proceeds to tell you how the project is going to be run, without your input or anyone else’s. You recognize the coworker’s CA tendencies and understand that she is trying to take over the project and dictate to all of the other members of the project because of her inherent need to be in a power position and be in control. Rather than get pissed off, you decide to call her on her behaviour with the other members present. She immediately back pedals and pretends she was just starting a discussion on the topic, not trying to take control of everything. You recognize the back pedalling, but are cool with the outcome, as long as she is aware that you aren’t as easy to manipulate as she believes and as long as she realizes that she will not get away with that kind of behaviour.

Another Example: Your child doesn’t want to do something – perhaps his homework – so he throws a huge temper tantrum when you insist he get it done. He tells you that he’s stupid and that the kids at school make fun of him and he just hates school and wishes he lived in another town. He accuses you of making him go to that school to torture him and make him suffer at the hands of bullies.  If you weren’t aware of your ability to be manipulated – based on your desire to be a good parent – you would probably be diverted by his evasive tactic as he takes the focus off doing his homework and puts it on your terrible parenting practices. He’s used three tactics to divert you from the matter at hand – guilt about making him go to a school he hates, shame at not noticing how unhappy he is there and evasion as he diverts your attention to the matter at hand. If you know yourself, you will recognize how easy it is for a child to pluck away at their parents guilt and shame strings and how easily it is for him to evade the issue. Stick to your guns and tell him that despite how he may feel, his homework still needs to be finished.  

Morale of the story is, if you know yourself, you know your weaknesses and you can recognize manipulative behaviours more easily. When you do recognize the behaviour, do something about it immediately – even if it’s as simple as saying, “I see what you are doing and I am not going to allow you to get away with it.”

5)      Don’t fight a losing battle. Don’t try to get the manipulator to change the way they interact with others, change the way you interact with the manipulator:

• Don’t accept excuses or rationalizations for undesirable behaviour. The moment they start making excuses or trying to rationalize their behaviour, they are trying to get you to agree with their point of view. And, because they are trying to rationalize their way out of it, it is a dead giveaway that they’ll do it again. So, let the CA know that you respect their right to try really hard to convince you that their actions were appropriate, but you still don’t accept or be influenced by their excuses or rationalizations any more.
• Judge the behaviour itself. Don’t get caught up in what motivated the CA to engage in the behaviour in the first place. The intentions that lead up to an undesirable behaviour are irrelevant because it is the action itself that shows you a person’s true character. In the case of a CA, it is their consistently undesirable actions that show their true character. This goes back to avoiding getting caught up in trying to find a reason for a CA’s poor behaviour based on past hurts, abuses, etc.
• Set limits on the amount of crap you’ll take from the CA. Perhaps you’ll tolerate their attempts at guilt-tripping or shaming, but draw the line at evasion, minimization, etc. Be very aware of how much of their tactics you can handle and stick to it.
• Be direct. Clear, concise, “I” statements work best with CA’s. “I want you to…” “I no longer want you to…”, etc.  Be as precise and specific as you possibly can so the CA has no choice but to understand what you expect from them and also gives them no room to pretend they misunderstood you.
• Accept only direct answers. Once you make a direct, specific request, only accept a direct, specific answer. If you don’t get one, ask again. Keep asking until you get the answer you are asking for. You don’t have to be an asshole to do this, but you definitely have to stand up for yourself and let the other person know that you deserve an answer to your question. For Example: If you ask someone, “Did you mail the cheque?” and they launch into an explanation of how their day or week is going, etc., chances are they are trying to avoid answering your question because all it takes is a yes or no response. Ask again.
• Focus on the matter at hand. Don’t let the CA use evasive or diversionary tactics to steer you away from the problem behaviour you are addressing. Focus on the behaviour you are confronting and stick with trying to make the CA aware that you are not happy with it. Leave out the past or the future and focus on the behaviour at that moment only. Example: A CA is talking to you in a derogatory, dismissive or ignorant way. Explain to them that you are not going to accept the way they are speaking to you and insist that they return to a more civil, polite tone or you will remove yourself from the conversation until they are willing to do so. Don’t let them start accusing you of speaking ignorantly in the past and don’t bring up the fact that they have spoken to you this way before. Simply point it out, insist it be changed and, if it’s not changed immediately, refuse to engage in conversation with them until they change the way they are speaking to you.
• Keep the onus of change on the CA. If they are engaging in a completely undesirable behaviour, call them on it, demand it be changed and stick to your guns. Don’t let them use their usual tactics to squirm their way out of owning up to the behaviour. Ask them what they intend to do to change it.
• Stay calm. Don’t be an asshole when confronting a CA about their behaviours. If you are sarcastic, hostile, look down your nose at them, threaten them, etc. It will give them the excuse they are looking for to flip things around and start blaming you for your own undesirable behaviour. Just keep your cool and, ahem, stick to your guns!
• When you recognize a manipulative tactic, take action immediately. As Dr. Simon says, “It’s easiest to stop a runaway train when it first starts rolling down the hill.” If you see it, act on it and get yourself back on an even playing field. Sometimes it’s as simple as saying, “I know what you’re trying to do here and it is not going to work on me.”
• Always try for a win/win situation when dealing with them. There are four scenarios a CA wants: #1 They win, you lose (this is what they want). #2 You win, they lose (this is what they don’t want). #3 You both lose (also what they don’t want, but they’ll take this over you winning any day). #4 You both win. Obviously, they want to win – that is what makes them tick – but they’ll be okay with a win/win over a You win/they lose or a lose/lose scenario. So try to find a way to compromise when dealing with them that lets everyone get a little of what they want.
• Be prepared for consequences and retaliation. If you win and they lose in a situation, you can sure as shit expect that they will do whatever they can to one-up you again. Either be prepared for the onslaught and deal with it as it comes (ie. Keep on living your life) or try to anticipate what they will do (who has the time for that???) and circumvent it.

There you have it. That was a ton of writing, but I managed it in 18 minutes. Thank goodness I can type a bazillion words a minute! The last thing to remember is that you have to be honest with yourself and make sure you don’t have any hidden agenda to be served as a result of manipulating the manipulator. Make sure before you confront anyone or call anyone on their behaviour that you are not engaging in the same behaviours on a consistent, blatant basis.
It’s always much easier to change ourselves than it is to change anyone else.

Good luck with recognizing and dealing with the master manipulators in your lives and with getting to know yourselves better and discovering your own strengths and weaknesses.

And Happy Monday everyone. I wish you all enough…

There ya go, 20 minutes! Booyah!

Goodbye Baby David

Even though it has been 19 months since our Cora died and I feel that loss every single day, sometimes things happen that bring me right back to the moment she grew cold in my arms and I plummet right back into that black, endless pit of despair that her death threw me into.

Today, I learned that a friend of mine and her family lost her premie nephew down at BC Children’s after he fought for a couple of months to live.

My heart aches for the Wiebe and Onyango families today. I don’t know David’s parents, but I’ve followed his struggles and triumphs through his auntie’s Facebook statuses. I do know exactly how much their loss hurts and it’s brought me right back to my own ongoing struggle with grief and pain. Mine is dulling with time I’m strong enough to carry it around on my shoulders wherever I go now. Theirs is heavy and sharp and they have an extremely difficult road ahead of them, so I wish them all the strength they’ll need to learn how to carry the pain of little David’s loss around on their shoulders and hope their support system is healthy and vast.

And I hope my Cora is somewhere out there welcoming David back into the pool of souls he came from (or wherever your spiritual beliefs dictate he has come from and gone to).

I’ll get back to regular blogging tomorrow, but tonight I’m going to think about my baby girl and baby David and remember how grateful I am to have what I have and who I have in my life that has made my journey through grief bearable.

Goodnight, my friends. I wish you all enough…

Miss her more than I can say.

Gratitude & Attitude 2012 – Post #1

Ask me what I have to be grateful for this year and the list could, literally, run about twelve pages. I don’t have time to post all of it in one little bloggy, so I’m going to start with the few that are on my list and dole out the rest as the month goes by. I seriously lost my ability to write excellent, moving, sometimes humorous blogs for the past six months, but I am happy to say that the past few weeks have restored not only my sense of humour, but also the 8000 words per day that roam around in my brain, waiting to be put up on the big screen monitor. Booyah, world! Booyah!

However, before I can shower the world with my fathomless gratitude, I have to clean out the bitchy closet so I can start filling it with things to bitch about again!

Here we go!

Today, Attitude goes out to:

1. People all over the place who think Christmas is about gifts. For the weeks before Christmas, they flood the stores with their more, more, more attitudes, they act like assholes to anyone who gets in the way of their intended purchase or their madly rushing feet, and they blow by the Salvation Army coin boxes as though they don’t see them and didn’t just spend hundreds of dollars on useless shit that no one in their family really needs. I HATE this aspect of Christmas. I think gift giving should be completely removed from the holiday (except maybe stocking stuffers because, well, that shit is fun) and we should all take lessons on how to hang out with your friends and family, play games, talk to each other instead of playing on phones (yes, consider me guilty on that one…my bad), and, I dunno, maybe use the opportunity to appreciate what you have and who you have in your life instead of thinking, “Oooooh, what did I get?”.
2.  This brings me to my next piece of “attitudial editorial”…people who receive gifts and show almost ZERO appreciation or gratitude that someone was kind enough to give them a gift – regardless of whether that gift is something so lame it automatically makes you think, “Ugh, I shall rewrap this and make sure I use it for my “crappy gift exchange” party in the New Year!” If someone goes out of their way to get me a gift, I’m damn well going to be grateful for their efforts and I’m going to show my gratitude and appreciation by, I dunno, thanking them with a smile and some oomph. So, to all of you out there who received a pile of gifts this Christmas (which you probably didn’t need and probably will only use until the novelty wears off or the latest technology makes them obsolete) and didn’t feel particularly grateful or excited (and you know who you are), you suck and I hope you get NOTHING from anyone for this entire year.
3. People who drive like complete douchebags on wintery roads. On our way to Edmonton, a mini van pulled up on our bumper and rode it for a bit before darting out into oncoming traffic (over a double solid line, no less) and cutting in front of us to ride the next person’s bumper. The driver of the van continued to do this for about ten vehicles, including a semi, before hitting the front of the line and shooting off down the highway as though his ass was on fire. That was just one example of how many ridiculously crappy drivers we saw on the way to and from my brother’s place. All I could think about was that Karma had better catch up with these people and either set their heads back squarely on their shoulders again or knock their heads completely off so they stop endangering the lives of everyone around them. Then I became sad because I realized how old and crotchety I’ve become!

That’s all I have attitude-wise, for now…

Today’s Gratitude goes out to:

1. Me! Yay me! For constantly making the effort to look inward and observe my thoughts and actions and then take steps to improve areas that I believe need improvement. This is not an easy thing to do. It takes time, commitment, integrity, ownership and acceptance. It’s hard to admit to anyone, even myself, when I am acting like an asshole or in the wrong. It also takes a constant willingness to work on changing the aspects of myself that I know bother others – even if they don’t particularly bother me. I am proud of myself and grateful that I keep the lines of awareness open and continue to learn and grow. My acupuncturist asked me if I plan to come back again after this life or if I’ve learned all of the lessons I need to learn. I told her that I’d be coming back many times until I get it dialed in. However, the more I think about it, the more I realize that the simple act of inward observation and willingness to change is a huge lesson that I am learning – it leads to a more peaceful attitude, a propensity toward and capacity for greater kindness and a sense of understanding that I suspect I did not have in my previous life. So perhaps I won’t be recycled after this trip after all.
2. The ladies of the SS Rodeo for inviting me to play on December 9^th in Penticton. That bout was SO much fun and it really reminded me why I love playing derby in the first place. I also supermanned into the crowd and ended up in Purple Kush’s brother’s crotch, which is still making me giggle. Good times!
3. A break from derby for a few weeks. Ha! Usually, if we take any sort of break from derby, I am dying to get back at it after only a few days, but I’ve had nearly three weeks off and it has been really nice to not have to plan practices or coach or practice for awhile. I even took a break from my usual rigorous fitness regimen and have only been doing yoga, stretching and cross country skiing to give my body a much-needed rest. Now I feel renewed and invigorated and I’m ready to get back at it! Who knew?
4. Spinach smoothies. I was a spinach smoothie fan for years until I got pregnant with Cora and, suddenly, couldn’t stand them or smell them or look at them. I tried one again a few weeks ago, just to see if I could choke it down and, to my complete surprise, the texture of it didn’t make me gag anymore! I’m SO grateful for this because I always run on the anemic side and spinach makes a huge difference in my energy level and my disposition. Now I feel like I can run circles around everybody again, including my post-Cora self! Woot!
5. Laughter. For nearly 18 months since Cora died, I hadn’t been able to find a genuine laugh inside myself. All of my laughter felt forced and empty, as though I was just going through the motions to show myself I could still do it. I realized approximately a month ago that these days I have been laughing because I find things genuinely funny. Once again, I’ve been experiencing the kind of laughter that bubbles up from my tummy and explodes out of my mouth, making my eyes water and leaving me slightly breathless. Real laughter. I honestly thought I would never be able to truly laugh again and, let me tell ya, it really is the best medicine. I feel lighter than I have in a year and a half – still not who I used to be, but definitely lighter! And, I have to add that Cristina and Krystin have been contributing to my genuine laughter fits lately. You two are hilarious…
6.  Women like Kathy Grant from KG Creative Consulting and Sabrina Sinclair from Fit By Design who have a natural knack for empowering others and getting them stoked about life – especially other women. I absolutely love it when people make others feel good about themselves. It makes the world a better place, one person at a time.
7. Zack & Jodi Gray. Super amazing husband and wife photography team who are, seriously, such good mentors and so inspirational. They’ve given me renewed drive to revamp and step up my biz this year. I was so excited to get going that I broke my promise of not working for ten straight days and I’ve been strategically planning out everything I will do to change my biz practices, improve my client relationships, add to my photography knowledge, tweak my shooting style and still keep giving back to my community whenever and however I can. 2012 is going to be, hands down, my best year yet…and that’s saying a lot because 2011 was pretty darn good!
8. My Greggors! He makes up songs all the time and sings when he wakes up in the morning, when he’s making breakfast, showering, etc. The lyrics are ridiculous and there is no rhyme or reason to what he sings, but it makes me smile on a daily basis. When he’s been gone for awhile and I’m grumpy or concentrating too hard on work or whatever, he can come home and sing for ten seconds and I find myself smiling or giggling. He’s pretty good medicine too!
9. And, here’s a mishmash of things I’m grateful for that need no explanation: Juno, snuggles with my furry family and hubs on Sunday mornings, healthful food, ethically raised animals, sunshine on my face, fuzzy pjs, true friends, kids (I really love kids), cross country skiing, music, yoga, coffee, energy, funny people, socks, and catnip!

Happy New Year everyone. I hope that 2012 brings you all enough…

Here’s a pic of my nephew and Juno sleeping in the backseat on the way home from Christmas Eve dinner!

An Unexpected and Amazeballs Gift!

Last night was the last Fresh Meat practice of this year and it was a blast! With the help of my teammates, Dana (Purple Kush, who is also our team coach) and Krystin (Suzy Bruisemaker), we made the practice as fun as possible for our Freshtastics! We worked on sweeping and pack skating and, for some of our Freshies, it was the first time they were allowed to make contact with another skater. We also played a couple rounds of a little game we like to call “Asshole”, which involves everyone skating in a pack and two or three skaters basically making assholes of themselves – bumping people’s wheels, sprawling in front of skaters so they have to get out of the way, stopping suddenly, skating in the wrong direction, etc.

The smiles and giggles were plentiful and it felt really uplifting to see the ladies having a great time out there, enjoying the learning process and getting to know their future teammates. I found that by the end of the practice, my cheeks hurt a little from grinning so much…of course, that could have been from the black eye I acquired in last weekend’s bout!!!

One of the best parts of the entire night was at the very end of the practice when all the ladies were taking their gear off and they were all sitting around, yakking as though they’d known each other forever. This is the first week that I have seen this happen since the new intake began in October. Perhaps it was the hours they had just spent all touchy-feely that had led to a new rapport between them. Whatever it was, it made me feel all warm and gooey inside and, for a few seconds, I felt sad that I wouldn’t see them again until January.

The gloom quickly passed as I started to pack up my own gear and looked down at the Christmas present some of the ladies in our league gave me. The present was totally RAD and I LOVE IT, but the part that touched me the most was the note that came with it from one of the kindest, most caring ladies I’ve ever known, Bangers’n Smash.

Here is what it reads:

So one evening I was perusing Derby gear online and I came across this shirt! I immediately thought of you and bought it on the spot to give you for a Christmas/thanks for getting me off my ass gift.

I then thought it might be nice to have the Freshies that started with me to sign it as well. As I began contacting them to meet up with me to sign, I started to get requests from a ton of league members who also wanted to be part of giving this gift to you!

I opened it up to everyone you’ve coached, supported or just was a friend to and the response was huge! I want you to know that this league LOVES you!! Without you it wouldn’t be what it is, and I wouldn’t be what I am now either.

There are many members who I didn’t manage to meet up with, whose names should also be on here. This is just a small representation of the women whose lives you’ve helped change! I wanted to make sure that you knew how many of us contribute our success to your coaching and the time you put in for us. You’re the best!! Thanks for everything you do!!!

Kerry’s note made me tear up while giggling because I was thinking, If only she knew how many of these women have helped me and changed my life – made me recognize my inherent weaknesses, made me stronger and more resilient, made me start caring about people again (as I lost that part of myself when Cora died), made me a better coach by making me realize I have to be more flexible, more understanding, more motivating and, well, more human.

The simple truth is that if I’ve changed women’s lives for the better by being their coach or their friend, they have had the same effect on me and I’m grateful for every moment of the learning and changing – even when it sucks ass crackers.

So, thank you to all of the ladies who support me, approve of my coaching style, hate me sometimes for pushing them so hard (:)) but do the work anyway and thank me afterward…and to all of the others who oppose me, dislike me, and resent me for doing and saying the things I do and say! You can’t have the Yin without the Yang and I fully embrace them both!

I’ll see you all in January. Roll on!

And check out my Christmas Prezzie from the gang!

Only derby people will understand the humor in this shirt, but everyone will understand why it makes me feel so warm and gooey!

The Covert Aggressive Personality – Part 1

Does this sound like anyone you know?

In the beginning:

• You met someone and even though they started off a bit stand-offish, being polite but barely speaking to you for a few weeks or maybe more – one day they came up and struck up a conversation, probably about a subject you are passionate about, and you instantly felt as though you had bonded on some level. After that, they performed many random acts of kindness for you – showed up with presents, food when you were sick, offered to help you with some work that needed to get done, etc., or they would say nice things to you and about you in front of others and make you feel genuinely liked and admired. They often seem to be completely selfless and sweet and generous and always out to help anyone “for the greater good” of something (family, organization, work, etc.). Despite all this, you may have felt a gut warning about this person – a feeling that something was not quite right. Perhaps you felt that you were being manipulated in some way, but since the person seemed so genuine and charismatic, you ignored your instincts – maybe even chose to ignore the warnings of others about this person because you like to give people the benefit of the doubt?
• This person was often he first to step up to help someone or to take on a project or multiple projects. (It wasn’t until much later that you noticed that they spent a lot of time whining to anyone who would listen about how no one appreciated all that hard work and time and effort they had exerted or how, despite the constant complaints, they also refused most offers for help on the projects they’d volunteered for – often using the premise that they were almost finished anyway and it wouldn’t be worth your time to help out now, with so little left to do. The end result would be that you walked away feeling really guilty for not making more of an effort to help out, admiring this person for working so hard and feeling ashamed that you couldn’t be as selfless as they were.)
• This person often confided in you, especially about their annoyances or grievances with others, and made you feel as though you were their friend. After awhile, during your conversations, after you’d established a seemingly close relationship, this person would begin making what seemed like harmless suggestions (introducing ideas about how you should perform a task or deal with someone) and, because they were confiding in you at the time and had made you feel close to them,  you completely ignored the warning bells going off in your head many of those ideas or suggestions weren’t actually not good or totally inappropriate. (In hindsight, you now realize that every ridiculous idea they had or unethical suggestion they made was always presented in such a reasonable and logical way that it would have seemed silly to balk against them. You eventually found yourself doing things you would never normally do or treating people in ways you would never normally treat people because this person made it seem totally acceptable and encouraged and pushed you to do it.)

And then:

• As time progressed, you began to notice that if you happened to disagree with one of this person’s ideas or suggestions, they would somehow easily sway your opposition toward their way of thinking so you’d end up acquiescing to their demands. You would have absolutely no idea how it had happened or why you changed your mind, especially because you were still opposed to the idea and you’d walk away feeling that familiar gut twinge that you’d just been played somehow, but you could never pinpoint how.
• If you were actually able to stick to your guns and continue to disagree with this person, you would then be subjected to passive aggressive ploys when dealing with them – they would play the game of emotional “get back” with you by resisting cooperation, giving you the silent treatment or blatantly ignoring you until they needed something from you and then demanding you address their needs or wants immediately, pouting or whining, conveniently “forgetting” about something you wanted them to do because they were angry with you and didn’t feel like obliging you, etc.? You shrugged it off because you told yourself that they were too nice and too genuine to do something like that on purpose. You told yourself that they must have been having a bad day or something else was going on to make them behave poorly toward you. They couldn’t possibly be acting that way on purpose because it was completely immature and ridiculous – something a ten year old would do, not an adult.
• You started to notice inconsistencies in their stories, explanations or arguments, and alarmingly inappropriate behaviors, but continued to give them the benefit of the doubt because that is the type of person you are.
• You definitely started noticing that this person was always the first to jump on others’ mistakes – especially yours – and demand retribution or consequence, but that they brushed off their own mistakes as though they were inconsequential. They were experts at blaming their mistakes on others or accusing other people of doing the same as an effective evasion of owning up to their mistakes and accepting the consequences or attempting to fix them. In fact, the larger the mistake they made, the faster they brushed it off or insisted it was someone else’s fault.
• Slowly but surely, this person began to say things that hurt your feelings, belittled you, made you feel guilt, shame, etc., in order to get their way in all things. You still couldn’t put a finger on it, but they made you feel awful about yourself and second guess yourself on a constant basis while also accusing you of saying and doing hurtful things toward them or deliberately setting them up to fail, etc.
• You slowly started to wonder if they were deliberately doing things to undermine your authority or to trip you up somehow, but each time you thought about it too much, you shrugged it off as ridiculous because they always presented such a kind, genuine, helpful persona to others. You may have assumed that since they made you feel like a friend or a close colleague, they took out their frustrations on you because we always tend to do that to the people we are closest to.

Eventually…

• Despite your instincts telling you that this person could not be trusted and after a consistent tendency to shrug off their increasingly inexcusable behaviour, they suddenly did something or said something to make you fully realize who and what they truly are, but by then, it was too late and there was nothing you could do to avoid the outcome or fix it.

Maybe they ruined one of your friendships. Maybe they got you fired or forced you to quit a job you were truly passionate about. Maybe they ruined your marriage. Maybe they completely destroyed your reputation, your self-esteem, your sense of worth. Whatever they did, when you look back now, it is blatantly obvious that you were a chess piece being wielded by a master chess player who is able to think twenty or thirty moves ahead.

Unfortunately, you were dealing with someone with a Covert Aggressive Personality or, as I’ve come to call it, the Master Manipulator.

Covert aggressives have two goals in all aspects of their lives – to win (at whatever they perceive needs to be won) and one-up everyone around them. To do this, they use deliberate, ruthless, underhanded ways to get what they want and control outcomes while projecting a convincing, superficial charisma and air of innocence (a sort of “Who, me?” aura). They want to be seen by everyone as the best, the nicest, the most dedicated, the most generous, the most talented, the most reasonable, etc. and they will stop at nothing to achieve that goal and will use a ton of deceptive tactics to do it.

They are very good at what they do.

Most people don’t know they have been dealing with this kind of personality until it is too late and the damage has already been done and most people walk away from having been manipulated without ever understanding what happened or how it happened.

Recently, I fell into the elaborate trap of a Covert Aggressive personality, but I am lucky enough to have a degree in Psychology to fall back on with connections in the psych community who were kind enough to help me understand exactly what happened. I have been researching this for almost a month and have discovered a lot about my weaknesses and strengths and my own character and personality. One thing is certain, I will NEVER fall victim to a Covert Aggressive ever again and I will never allow this particular one to ever have anything remotely resembling the upper hand over me ever again, even though I still have to deal with them on a regular basis.

Even though it sucks ass crackers when bad things happen to good people, it really helps us to learn and grow and become stronger and more resilient in our dealings with the assholes out there in the world! I am glad I finally understand this situation and I am looking forward to the next chapter when I head out armed with the tools I need to beat this person at their own ridiculous and unnecessary game.

I’ve run out of time, but in a future blog, I will go more into the characteristics of this personality type – what makes them tick, how they operate, etc. – and also some ways to recognize and deal with people like this.

Have a good day, my friends. I wish you all enough!

The First Ever Roller Derby World Cup: Holy Shitsnacks That Was Epic!

There have been a handful of times in my life when I have felt the overwhelming force of pride rush through me and warm me to my core – at the birth of our daughter,  the first time I landed a double Lutz in figure skating after working on it for nearly a year, the day I received an MVP award for varsity volleyball, the day I graduated from University with my Degree in Chemistry, the day the senior team I coached for two seasons in volleyball won their AAA division final, the day I saw my niece perform at a gymnastics meet for the very first time, the day we held our first official home derby bout after months and months of busting our asses to make it happen, the day I coached some of the ladies I’d also coached as Fresh Meat in their very first bout,  and yesterday, when I watched the final bout of the Blood & Thunder World Cup of Women’s Flat Track Roller Derby between our very own Team Canada and Team USA.

Both teams had a 4-0 record heading into the final game of the tournament, but despite this remarkable statistic, USA derby has been around a lot longer than derby anywhere else and those ladies have their skills, strategies and everything else derby so dialed in that facing them, at this point in the game, is like a Junior hockey team facing off against a team of NHL All stars – both teams have mad skills, but in the scheme of things, it`s truly no contest…not yet anyway!

In a nutshell, despite being the underdogs by an overwhelming margin and going up against skaters who are practically pros in the derby world, Team Canada didn’t let that deter them in their quest to make Team USA and, well, the world, sit up and take notice. They skated their asses off.  When Luludemon picked up Canada’s first five points on a board that already sported 94 points for Team USA, the entire venue thundered with applause and went crazy. In fact, each time Team Canada put up any of its 33 points for the bout, the place erupted.

Why, you ask, would fans be so excited when our team scores, even though the margin between points is still so overwhelming? Well, firstly, our skaters put more points up on the board than all the other four teams who played Team USA managed to put up (combined). And secondly, our ladies used every bit of their mad skills, their extreme athleticism and a truckload of HEART to play against Team USA. They never gave up, never got down, kept their heads and their cool, and kept smiling the entire time.

How many sports do you know of where a team can take a shitkicking and keep standing tall, smiling, hugging and high-fiving the winning team when the game ends? How about a sport where a team can do all that and also celebrate the fact that they took second place? This is Roller Derby.

As I sat there, watching the final game, wincing as our ladies took some incredibly hard hits, cheering as they fought so hard for each point, feeling my heart race as I watched the kick ass skaters whom I’ve skated with, look up to, learn from and respect, the familiar surge of the warmth of pride flowed through me once again and I sat there in awe and gratitude that I am able to play such an incredibly empowering sport made up of such incredibly empowering people.

Holy shitsnacks, Team Canada! That was EPIC! I can’t wait for the next World Cup!

Here are a few of our skaters from Western Canada. I took these at one of our Derby Boot Camps last year when a shoulder injury prevented me from joining in the scrimmage fun!

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Have a great Monday everyone! I wish you all enough…